Writing Wednesdays
Self-Doubt
By Steven Pressfield | Published: December 2, 2009
True confessions: I’m 95% through a project I’ve been working on for two years, and I find myself suddenly wracked with self-doubt. All the negative thoughts that we’re all so familiar with are surfacing. Have I screwed the pooch? Have I lost my mojo? Do I really have anything worth saying?
I know the tune. The question is: What do I do about it?
I want to share my internal process, because we all go through these dark hours. Here’s how I’m handling the current raft of B.S. inside my head.
Hello, Resistance!
First, I recognize these thoughts as Resistance. True, they may contain legitimate elements. But that’s for other people to judge, not me. My role as writer/artist/entrepreneur is to keep going at full capacity, no matter what.
Second, I recognize that the appearance of self-doubt is totally predictable at this stage of the process–i.e., when the finish line is in sight. I was just reading a book last night about “story points” in screenplays. One of the formula moments that the writer was talking about was the “All Is Lost” beat. This comes somewhere around the start of Act Three. The protagonist endures a dark night of the soul, a “Father, why hast Thou forsaken me?” moment. This, I recognize, holds true for any mortal endeavor, whether it’s climbing Mt. Everest, having a baby, or opening your own hot dog stand across the street from Pink’s. That moment is going to come. It’s inevitable.
Third, I recognize the difference between thoughts and “thoughts.” Real thoughts are stuff we actually think. Resistance produces “thoughts.” These are fake. We ourselves are not thinking them; they are coming from our darkest abodes of self-sabotage.
I will dismiss those “thoughts.” How? By doing it. By refusing to grant them credence. I will banish them. I will blow them off.
Yeah, Steve, but what about reality?
All that having been said, self-doubt can be legitimate. It’s plain crazy to dismiss everything. This is when the discriminatory intelligence comes in. This is the tough part.
What do I do? I must reassess what I’ve written with the coldest, most objective eye I can bring to it. Go through this sucker. Is it working? If not, what’s wrong? Is something missing? Do I have the caboose where the locomotive should be?
One thing I won’t do now: I won’t look for feedback from friends. That will only confuse me. What counts is what I myself think. Let me reevaluate this material as best I can, till I can’t take it any more. Then I’ll ask for fresh eyes.
What if it sucks?
What if my self-doubt is justified? What if the book really does stink? What if I’ve just put in two killer years for nothing?
Then I’ll take the long view. I’m not in this for the weekend. This is a lifetime calling.
I’ll take my lumps and learn my lessons. I’ll look to the next book and the one after that. Even Bob Dylan puts out a crappy album once in a while. Derek Jeter himself sometimes goes down swinging. I will too if I have to. But nothing will stop me from giving this book my all. It is my baby, just like the other kids in the family. I’ll get it into Harvard if I can; I’ll bail it out of jail; I’ll pick it up at three AM at the Greyhound bus station. I will take a bullet for it.
Fuck self-doubt. I despise it. I hold it in contempt, along with the hell-spawned ooze-pit of Resistance from which it crawled.
I will NEVER back off. I will NEVER give the work anything less than 100%.
If I go down in flames, so be it. I’ll be back.
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Steve, the timing of this is eery. I had a rough last few days on a rewrite. Self-doubt kicked in hard, and I found myself staring at the page for two days with no results. It finally broke when I said, Fuck it. Nobody knows this particular subject better than me. Nobody. Cranked through 70 pages of a healthy polish yesterday.
I’ll be overhead at 36,000 feet if you need me. Semper Fi.
I SO needed to hear this today. I’ve been fighting self-doubt on a rewrite as well. Thanks for sharing your struggle!
I love you. Your words are like jet fuel injected straight into my veins. mwah!
Wow, what an incredibly insightful post. Thank you so much for your candor and your assessment. As an army officer on my way back from Iraq, I’ve had many experiences this year that have made me sit back and reassess where I stand as a leader. I’ve had multiple significant emotional events and some were significant enough to make me consider leaving the military if I truly thought I was ineffective. I have dealt with what I consider failure. At the darkest point of my ‘failure’ I stopped and took a hard look at the choices I’d made. I could have made other decisions but when I honestly looked at probably and possible outcomes, I feel I made the appropriate decision.
It’s a hard lesson, learning to push through, despite all the self doubt. As a writer who just parted ways with her agent, I also feel the tease of self doubt. What if my book is garbage? What if I’m really still not ready for prime time?
I’ve seriously considered giving up trying to work toward my goal of being published. I’ve come up with ways to salvage the time I have with my family and my own goals. But at the end of it, the self doubt remains. The question, as you so aptly pointed out, is what am I going to do with it.
Thank you so much for your incredible post!
Thank you for sharing the doubting stage you go through, and also your intellectual reasoning behind it. It is reassuring to read–especially in highly successful people. No matter the level of success, the steps still seem to be in the same location on the staircase.
What particularly interests me is how you have fingered this as a ‘beat’, as simply a part of the process. You’re right, it resonates throughout stories today as it has for thousands of years.
Yeah, that doubt is a killer. I’m smack dab on the final draft revisions. But it’s been much longer that 2 years. Try six, total from start to finish. And yes, I agree with you about feedback. I’ve seen way too many writers try to write their novel/nonfiction/memoir by consensus. You’ll get plenty of it later! Thomas Farber also never lets anyone read his works until it is all “done.” And I think Anne Rice has a stipulation in her contract that done is done. The final MS is the end product.
Thank you Colleen for sending this link. I needed to read this today. I have THE WAR OF ART and often give it to friends who are struggling with Resistance. I’ve read it multiple times, yet sometimes I don’t see Resistance in my own life. Fear takes the lead, and self-doubt settles in. Thanks for the wake-up call.
Steven,
Don’t write for the audience. Write the book for yourself. Call it finished when it pleases you. You are the only audience that matters. Your personal taste is all that matters. You, alone, create and evolve the Pressfield Formula.
Some audiences are eternal, some are fair-weather fans. Ignore them all. Writing is too goddamn hard. Critics and customer reviews won’t make writing the next book easier. Gates of Fire sold better than Tides of War–doesn’t mean you love it more. Whatever you’re working on, craft that fucker until it sings. You are an author. Craftmanship makes you hard. Structure, Language, Pace. Pleasure yourself.
I read your novels because I find your personal taste unique. Don’t become Dan Brown. Don’t become Randall Wallace. Learn from others you respect, but write each book to delight yourself. Resistance is a genuine evil. Doubt is part of life’s dramatic structure. But no one else on earth can write a Pressfield book. Not your friends. Not your agent. Not your publisher. Not your fans. You are a God-King. You work alone.
Write the book for yourself, offer it to the world, let the reviews and moneybags fall where they may.
I’m going to print this off and post it near the desk.
Thank you for putting it into perspective.
Great post. My best to you in your writings.
–Terrace Crawford
http://www.terracecrawford.com
http://www.twitter.com/terracecrawford