Writing Wednesdays
Playing Hurt
By Steven Pressfield | Published: December 14, 2011
The past two and a half years have been really rough for me. Issues of love and work, health and mortality have pushed me into places I’ve never been before. Yet through all this balagan (chaos, in Hebrew), I’ve produced some of the best work of my life.
I think there’s a connection.
It’s a myth, in my opinion, that we need to have our ducks in a row to produce good work. When I first started writing seriously, in my late twenties, I would work for ten hours a day, in the prime of health, with nothing to distract me. Now I’m lucky if I get an hour and a half, and I’ve got more balls in the air than I can count. Yet I do more now, and do it better, than I did then.
When I was finishing The Profession eighteen months ago, I was so sick that I had to work standing up, naked from the waist down (don’t ask). I was so unstable emotionally that I couldn’t be alone at night. I was riddled with doubt. I had lost all bearings.
Yet the work was good.
The idea that we need to be fit and trim and sane and organized to do good work is baloney. The best stuff I’ve done, I’ve produced under excruciating pressure of time and money, amid massive Resistance, insecurity and self-doubt, with my personal life in chaos. Not that I’m recommending such a state. But the fact remains: you can light up the board even with both hands tied behind your back and your feet sunk in forty pounds of cement.
Athletes play hurt. Warriors fight scared. Mothers give birth cursing, and babies emerge to daylight bawling and thrashing and wishing only to turn around and crawl right back where they came from.
The act of creation, particularly self-creation, is messy. It hurts. It’s terrifying.
But panic, self-doubt, claustrophobia, morbid dread, and all the classic “all is lost” symptoms are good, even if they scare the bejesus out of us while we’re experiencing them. They’re good because they are the product of being in over our heads—and being in over our heads makes us stretch and grow.
Stretch and recover.
Stretch and recover.
I’ve been on the road for most of the past two months, doing work that’s at least one, if not two levels beyond my capacity. It has paralyzed me at times. There were mornings when I woke up in my hotel room and had to say to myself literally, “Now, Steve, brush your teeth.”
I had to make my hand pick up the brush.
I had to walk myself into the shower. If I could have pushed a button and magically re-materialized at home, I would have done it.
Yet the work came out great.
This will be a short post, with a short moral:
It’s hard.
It’s supposed to be hard.
If you’re experiencing it as hard, you are not crazy. You’re sane. Your perception is on target.
When you’re stretching it’s hard and that’s all there is to it.
I’ll try to remember that, if you will.
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I can affirm the writing standing up…the pain…the fear. He wrote every day no matter.what. He is a warrior as much as any soldier. A brave dedicated man who I love and respect.
Thanks for the timely reminder Steven. Your work continues to influence me for good. The War of Art is still one of the best books I’ve ever read. I’m really glad you’re still stretching and doing the work. Bravo.
Juan O’Neal
I am told that an archaic version of the Lord’s Prayer says “Lord, that I may be tested” somewhere, but I find that one doesn’t even have to ask. It’s the way we are made. Suffering is the only road to serenity.
Thanks, Steve.
Sounds like the prayer written by Lt. Andre Zirnheld, the . Learned it in the Marine Corps. It’s the most beautiful prayer I know. Interestingly, the Almighty never fails to answer this part:
“…Give me, Lord, what You have left over,
Give me what no-one wants from You.
I want insecurity, strife,
And I want You to give me these
Once and for all.
So that I can be sure of having them always,
Since I shall not always have the courage
To ask You for them…”
Boy, the Big Kahuna loads you down heavily right there. You have to be patient for the promised strength, courage and faith. I think His angels are Teamsters. They’ll come after their coffee break.
damn you, you malingering tag!
I’m pleased to see that in this article you used the phrase, “in my opinion.” Sad to note that this same aside is oftentimes missing from your more dogmatic instruction manuals, The War of Art and Do The Work. In those books the melody you sing is that of a confident and arrogant god.
I don’t believe in gurus and gods, although I find them fascinating in much the same way that I find pleasure in pressing down on an aching tooth. That perverse sense of pleasure is the only reason I sometimes read your articles.
Forgive me, Anthony V. Toscano, I haven’t read anything you’ve written lately…or ever, for that matter. Please post a list of your published works, and allow me to decide if you’ve been pressing down on the correct aching part of your body.
Thank you.
Mr. Toscano reminds me of a rude house guest. Uninvited to the party, shows up anyway, and then proceeds to insult the host.
Seriously! Anthony, get a clue.
This reminds me of the law of physics, conservation of energy: energy has to go somewhere. Writing neutrally versus feeling crazy and putting every last drop of that crazy energy into your work is an explosively different experience for the reader. A tear-stained letter versus a cold, mechanical product manual.
Steven, thanks for reminding me it is okay to feel crazy while I work, and that perhaps crazier is indeed better.
Greg
I have long suspected this, given my short stories were all created with a mixture of self-loathing, suicidal thoughts and hatred for humanity. LOL I guess I’m banking that you’re right as I’m about to be unemployed during the worst recession since the Great Depression. Here’s hoping….
Five Stars, Steven.
I TRULY thank you.
I had the privilege of meeting you at the Getty Villa a few years ago and knew instantly that you were a kind and generous person. This post illustrates that. In the midst of your difficult time, you use your experience to help the rest of us. Thank you for that. I hope (and pray) your health is back on track very soon, if not already.
Thanks, Steve. I have to turn in a manuscript in 8 days (which is a good problem to have) and I was just diagnosed with acute bronchitis. I needed this post more than you know. I’ll push through and find the other side.
We should not give up…our goal…But…we should not be discouraged even though we cannot have it. So actually, as long as we are making effort, that is actual goal. – Shunryu Suzuki