Writing Wednesdays: No More Mister Nice Guy

If you‘re like me, you want to clear your desk every night before you head home. You want to make sure that anything that might impair you that evening at home is off the to-do list and out of your mind. Then you’ll be able to relax without having unresolved work issues hanging over your head.

Always Refreshing!

Now this is a very good strategy to rid you of repetitive paperwork/accounting/office management. But it can be the death knell for creative work. Forcing yourself into making a decision about a particular project just to get it off your desk will bite you in the ass later on. I can’t tell you how often I’m haunted by the consequences of my hurry up and move on decisions. If you see me walking down the street cringing, you’ll know I just remembered one.

And don’t forget business decisions are creative work too.

Whether or not you should make that call and press for better terms with that vendor may seem like a run of the mill decision, but it’s not. You need to creatively think about what it is that decision will do for you. You may win a marginal short term victory, but your vendor may hate you for being such a penny pincher that she does the least amount possible to keep you happy. Your inventory is mishandled so your customers return more goods and are dissatisfied etc.

Making the call and pressing for a reduced fee may be the right choice. But until you sit with the problem for a little while and map out the pros and cons of a decision, you’re running on “first draft-itis.” And no one should see your first draft of anything.

Why do we do this?

We do it to avoid confrontation. It deflates our anxiety, gives us “thank God I got that over with” relief.

It’s important to remember though that life is conflict. It just is. These are why stories, things built on the bedrock of conflict, are so important to us.

That doesn’t mean that it is all about screaming or passive aggressively getting your way. It means that in any human interaction, there is a clash of one kind or another. We communicate in order to figure out where we differ (where should we go to eat?) and then we confront the controversy and make it go away (how about a Mexican restaurant?). If you both love Mexican food, problem solved. If one of you wants Sushi, then there’s stress.

The courage to do nothing is all about remembering that you don’t know everything. You are capable of changing your ideas about things. You can hold two opposing thoughts in your head without jumping off a cliff. Really you can. You can hate taxes and also believe that the government should raise them to help people incapable of taking care of themselves.
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Posted in What It Takes
6 Comments

Writing Wednesdays

No More Mister Nice Guy

By Steven Pressfield | Published: October 3, 2012

We were speaking last week about returning from a vacation and gearing up to get back in the groove. I said that my first “note to self” would be to start thinking, not in immediate go-go terms, but in longer, extended blocks of time.

My role model

My second marching order to myself is to start saying no.

The aim of these admonitions is to establish a realistic project timetable, to buckle down to a serious working rhythm, and to protect the air space around that timetable and that rhythm.

So I’ll stop saying yes to things.

First I’ll stop saying yes to things I want to do. My friend Jake, who has tickets to Springsteen on the opposite coast? Sorry, pard. Can’t waste two days at 30,000 feet.

I’ll go to Lou and Rachel’s wedding. I’ll be there for the festivities after. But I can’t stay out all night, and I won’t do anything that’ll leave me in no shape to work the next morning.

People are gonna get pissed at me.

What’s wrong with Pressfield? What’s his problem? Why is turning into such an asshole?

I’m like the Blues Brothers. I’m on a mission.

Next I’ll start saying no to deserving invitations. Yeah, I could meet that Australian novelist coming into town, or do a favor for my friend Jeanie’s nephew. But if I say yes to them, I’m saying no to the thing that’s most important to me.

Sorry.

I won’t do it.

Next I’ll say no all the sociopathic asks, and clueless asks, and amateur asks, from whatever quarter they appear. For some strange reason, this is the hardest for me.

It’s a character flaw. I have a demented need to think of myself as a Nice Guy. I don’t know why. Being a nice guy has never worked for me. It has screwed me up again and again.

I have had to school myself, like a spaniel, trying to break myself of this habit.

You lose friends.

You get a reputation.

I don’t care.

I know what it feels like, at the end of the day, when I’ve said yes to some bogus “opportunity” because I thought I ought to, or I didn’t want to offend someone, or because it seemed like what a Nice Guy would do.

I know what it feels like, at the end of the day, when I haven’t done my work—or slighted the Muse by doing it in some rushed or muddled manner.

I don’t want to feel like that.

I’m on a mission.

I have laid out a block of time, and in that time I have aims I want to achieve.

So things that I might have said yes to last month, I’ll say no to now.

The goal is to build a focus, to establish traction, to work not like an amateur but like a professional.

No more Mister Nice Guy.

Posted in Writing Wednesdays
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25 Responses to “No More Mister Nice Guy”

Basilis
October 3, 2012 at 3:42 am

No to sociopathic, clueless, amateur asks.

I feel that it must be more difficult to say NO to the amateur asks.

To the other two categories of ask: Doctor No, by all means!

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Terry Jaymes
October 3, 2012 at 4:00 am

Damn it. One of the notes I left myself for a future blog topic was “Say No” … I can scratch that off my list. There’s no way I could have put it down as good as this! At least I now have more time to think. I’m still glad Steven said “yes” to my Terry Jaymes ALIVE podcast on iTunes. It was a great interview. I’m sure I’ll never have him on again … and that’s ok.

Terry

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angela
October 3, 2012 at 4:04 am

Okay well I guess you won’t be coming for tea then? I understand your muse is calling, but just so you know, I bought green rooibos chai.

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Nick Ortega
October 3, 2012 at 4:11 am

Saying “No” feels like selfishness, so I say “Yes” out of guilt instead of an honest desire to do something helpful. This actually helps no one, and gives power to the lie that what I do isn’t really that important. My Muse (love that image) deserves as much respect as any other person, and so does the truth of my own passion. Good stuff here, Steven!

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Chris Duel
October 3, 2012 at 4:45 am

Once again, Obe Wan Pressfield delivers the perfect message at the exact moment I need to hear it.

Thanks, Jedi Turning Pro Master.

Glad you didn’t say no to this blog,

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Jay Lee
October 3, 2012 at 6:02 am

Do not confuse “duty” with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can entail anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect. But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier to deal with a footpad than it is with the leech who wants “just a few minutes of your time, please — this won’t take long.” Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to such requests, they quickly snowball to the point where these parasites will use up 100 percent of your time — and squawk for more! So learn to say No — and to be rude about it when necessary. Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you. (This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don’t do it because it is “expected” of you.)
- Robert Heinlein

Reply
- Steven Pressfield
  October 3, 2012 at 12:18 pm
  
  Wow, I never saw that before from Heinlein. Thanks, Jay. If I’d known that passage, I’d have run it instead of the blog post!
  
  Reply
- Claudio
  October 4, 2012 at 2:00 am
  
  Steve’s post and Heinlein’s passage are both powerful. I prefer Heinlein’s in this case because of this quote: (This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don’t do it because it is “expected” of you.)
  
  Reply
- GS
  October 8, 2012 at 7:49 pm
  
  Thanks…great, very good advice.
  
  Reply
Brian
October 3, 2012 at 6:36 am

I know the feeling, love the use of Alice Cooper too…perfect. Sometimes you just got to say ‘no’, followed by a sorry..but no. Otherwise others run your life instead of you running your life.

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Kathy Valentine
October 3, 2012 at 6:50 am

here’s me, all too often: a wishy-washy back n forther living in a torturous netherworld of indecision, pro-ing and conning, looking at this hand and then the other hand, wondering what chain of events will tumble like dominos in what direction when I commit to a yes or a no! pathetic, but once I’ve arrived and made a choice, I try to be fully present and open to the experience – who knows, a yes might open a new path for the muse. Or not! I guess it comes down to time management, balance, judgement and instinct – the right answer in one moment can sure feel wrong in another. thanks for helping, always, the aspiring to be inspired and keeping an eye on the prize.

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- Mike
  October 10, 2012 at 4:39 pm
  
  Thank you for this.
  
  Reply
Diane
October 3, 2012 at 10:00 am

Ha, just returned from a long weekend in Hawaii with the same view – more thinking, less saying ‘yes’ out of, well, essentially fear with all of its “what will…” and “what ifs.” No from strength, Yes from true desire; No to what robs me of my time and talent; Yes to my goals.

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Annette
October 3, 2012 at 11:45 am

Agree with all you are saying “no” to, with the exception of Bruce Springsteen. His current tour is like nothing you have ever seen and his best yet. The inspiration you will take away from this creative genius and consummate performer is well worth the time you will give in return. Plus, you can write on the plane. For your creative health,do reconsider. You won’t regret it.

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